LONDON—The long spell of consensus politics continues unbroken. In his fifth term as Prime Minister, Boris Johnson heads a rainbow coalition of all the mainstream politcal parties, plus the Liberal Democrats.
The London Olympics are now no more than a faded memory, notable only for Team GB’s victories in cheese rolling, bog snorkelling and shin kicking. Meanwhile, Susan Boyle continues her record-breaking position at the top the album charts. Statistically speaking, every person and domesticated animal on the planet now has 3.2 copies apiece.
Sitting in his central London office, the Permanent Secretary to the Department for Creative Tourism Industries (known in Treasury circles as DCRETINs) has no time to ponder this cultural high-watermark. He has just placed a call with the Secretary of State.
‘Hallo?’
‘Good morning Minister, Sir Nigel here.’
‘Ah, morning. What important matters of state do you have for me today? Is Simon Cowell coming to my birthday party? We need more girls, by the way. Don’t want it to be like my 13th birthday bash at the old school. A chap shouldn’t have to wear a dress on his special day.’
‘No Minister, that’s not why I’m calling.’
Sounding deflated: ‘Oh. Do go on.’
‘Thank you, Minister. I’m phoning about our film policy. You see, film is very creative, it brings in many thousands of tourists each year and it does have the virtue of being an industry. Of sorts. So it’s a rather important part of our departmental responsibilities.’
‘Yes, yes, I’m well aware of that Sir Nigel. What of it?’
‘Well, Minister, there are murmurings of discontent among the film fraternity. Mainly producers, but others as well. They’re not at all happy.’
‘Really? I’d have thought it’d be a jolly good business to be in. Lots of parties, plenty of skirt, eh?’
‘Well you’d think so, Minister, but it seems they’re not very pleased with the way we’re directing public funding for film. The producers’ trade association, in particular, is very upset about how things have turned out. They say the industry is on its knees. It looks very bad.’
‘FUCT?’
‘Well, that may be putting it a bit strongly, Minister, but in a word: yes.’
‘No, I mean isn’t FUCT the name of the producers' trade association? Or am I getting confused?’
‘Erm, yes I think you are, Minister. Anyway, there’s quite a spirited discussion in the press; actors and Hollywood types wading in with their perfectly enunciated protestations. We need to be seen to be addressing their concerns as a matter of some urgency.’
‘Oh. Really? Gosh. Golly. Well, what’s the problem? What are they griping about, exactly?’
‘It seems they’ve exploited every lucrative piece of homegrown intellectual property that satisfies our Tax Credit Tourism Test, and it’s getting harder and harder to finance new films.’
‘Oh, I see.’
‘We’ve already rebooted and revisioned the Harry Potter franchise, and after 24 films J.K. Rowling is refusing to take any further calls from Hollywood. There’s no more creative juice in the tank, as it were.’
‘Lord. Is it all bad? What about costume dramas? Aren’t we still good at those?’
‘Well, we’ve cornered the market in 3D torture-porn-Dickens-adaptations. Oliver Twisted and Bleaker House did especially well internationally. But it’s really not enough to sustain a whole industry. Besides, Dame Maggie Smith is refusing to wear a ball gag ever again.’
‘Oh dear. I see. Well what do they want us to do about it?’
‘They say much could be done simply by streamlining all the different agencies that funnel public money into film. Creating some sort of arm’s length body staffed by people with industry know how, a decent sized pot of money to make a difference, and a mandate for strategic leadership. They’re adamant that current arrangements see money spread too thinly, with no strategic co-ordination and no chance of building capacity in the industry. In short, no long term plan. No vision.’
‘Hhmmm. Sounds reasonable enough. Doesn’t it?’
‘It certainly looks sensible on paper, Minister. Definitely a good idea in principle. Most assuredly. Yes.’
‘Well, Sir Nigel? You seem to doubt the wisdom of these words even as you speak them. If it’s such a good idea, why aren’t we doing it?’
‘In practice you may decide it’s not such a good idea, Minister.’
‘Might I? Why ever not? I can’t think of any reasons off the top of my head. And if it keeps those producer chaps happy, and out of the press, then that’s all to the good.’
‘Ah, but Minister you didn’t always see it like this.’
‘Didn’t I? Are you sure? Why ever not?’
‘One of your first acts upon entering office was to disband a body not unlike that which I’ve described. You said it was a good muscle-flexing exercise.’
‘I see. Well, now the muscles are well and truly flexed, isn’t it time for another radical overhaul? Rationalisation. That’s the new watchword of government. Now, can you get SuBo's people on the line? Find out if she does birthdays.’
‘Yes, Minister.’









